But I ain't gonna die for you, you know I ain't no Juliet.

Don't even talk about depressed. I'm in full fledged hiding right now. Like, the 'I hate the world, and the world hates me obviously, so why try living in the world?' hiding. And all the reasons are my own damn fault for I am a coward or selfish or irresponsible or not even trying.

My bank account is almost -200 again, (it took me what.. 2 months? not even?)I have $50 worth or tickets to still pay for, I have no savings, and at 19 I'm depending on my parents and working only one day a week. Things I can do to fix this, but can't/won't do: Go see the bank people and cry because obviously I don't understand how to budget my money, and see if they would take away some of my overdrafts and fee's. LEARN HOW TO SAVE 'EFFIN MONEY. I like spending it on other people too much. =( Move out and go to that privet school I can't afford (or some faraway country, like Iceland, or live in a monastery) and experience what its like to really not have money to spend. Get several more jobs to pay for my generous lifestyle. GROW THE FUCK UP mostly.

That seems to be the theme. Growing up sucks. Reality sucks. Society sucks. And its not just because I'm an angst-y young adult, I have such legitimate reasons for all the suck in the world, if you asked me I could convince societal homicide. True, but I'd rather not be responsible for a mass death thank you.

My pants smell like cigarettes. Not because I smoke, because I have once or twice, but I know in my head my dependent personality would get me addicted and my budget (har har, what budget?) wouldn't afford it. But they smell because all my recent company smokes. I used to be allergic when my aunt was always smoking, but now I'm ok with it, apart from fear for my friends health. I think its mostly because Dante's new boyfriend (who happens to be really fun and sweet btdubbs) smokes, and not that i've recently dated smokers, (or anyone for that matter... boo) I just miss that person there. I see Dante and Dominic together and it makes me miss that person that can just hold you, and all the paranoia and worry seems smaller. ugh. I know it's getting old. And your eyes are fat.

This post is a copulation of a few hours, just because in seclusion I get distracted so easily. In all seriousness at this very moment I have an ampersand drawn on my arm and I'm seriously thinking about getting it as a tattoo. For the record tattoos freak me out, I don't like needles, I don't like the permanence of them I don't like that after time it changes, and you change and its all a bit scary. But I'l liking the idea of getting an ampersand. if you're curious and you have no idea what an ampersand is, its the 'and' symbol. &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&. Reasons being that I have a habit of being in solitude, and wanting to run away, or trying to get rid of parts or people and live simply. Like in the bad way simply. "And" meaning inclusion, "and" meaning whole, meaning with and complete, "and" meaning you need other people, no matter how much you think there's only you or there's only one. NO! there's many and everyone and everything is connected with "and". I have no idea if that makes sense to anyone but me. But like I said, its scary, but its a valid consideration.

So- I went from upset, to angry, to sad, to lonely, to calm and idealistic. Thank you Amanda Palmer/Dresden Dolls/ Ani Defranco. You make solitude so much softer.