I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

Get ready for some weird personal things.... I hope those I [don't really, but mentally] hint at don't actually read this, because sometimes, well many-a-times, I think nobody really looks hard enough to find this little niche of information and ramblings... Might be awkward, or it might be refreshing. hmm.

Alright, over a year I've been single, I'm fine being single, I'm not necessarily looking for that 'somebody" (but I'd like to know if your just watching be be an idiot in the mean time, how embarrassing!) or a relationship, but lately, ever since I decided my fooling around guy friend was a piece of dick, (not a pun, he was really rude and I'm better then that) I miss that fuck buddy. And NO! Not fuck buddy, because I refuse to fuck anybody I'm not in relations with, I'm not a whore, I'm just like MANY WOMEN ACTUALLY - Horny.

Men get laid, but women get screwed.  ~Quentin Crisp


I just happen to be sick to my stomach that men can sleep around and be praised (EVEN BY OTHER WOMEN! apparently more experience = better sex for the next person... ugh.) and when women are even horny, it's all "oh! keep an eye on her! She's a tramp! She's easy!" and that makes it ok?  Not really. I hate double standards.

But just currently, Im realizing there's a difference in sexual attraction, and the attraction that comes with companionship. Well duh, given the opportunity, I would tap Jake Gyllenhaal, Hayden Christensen, James Franco, Jude Law, Christian Bale, Hugh Jackman... AHH SEXY! All at once please!!! I may be a really sweet girl with my ginger hair and really kissable lips *winkwink* but DAYUM I get all hot and flustered for that delicious bodies, strong jaws, beautiful eyes, and revolutionary personalities type. (My human sexuality class will be interesting to say the least, describing my fantasy's and what not.... awkward! But digressing...) Everyone has those soft spot traits that make you swoon, and that may be attractive sexually. But falling in love, rather then lust, can be a hard thing for anyone that has opportunity to temptation.

And how is it you find love anyway? You can't go looking for it, its not an easy button, or a secret clue that someone is consciously hiding from you. It finds you. And if it find you on top of another person... Ruh roh. Love cannot be a factor, option, or reasoning when deciding to fool around with more then yourself (Gosh! I'm being so naughty today!) When your hormonal need for your sexual tendencies to be satisfied, I guess depending on the method to releasing that tension, they WILL BE ACTED UPON! Blue balls man... lol.

Its probably been out there for ages... what am I saying? its always been there! But today, given the opportunity for a college girl to take advantage of a drunk situation, or just wanting to get some, or even making the arrangement (how do people even go about doing that? "Oh hello, I think you're rather sexy. would you be alright if if we started seeing each other but just for sex? Does Tuesday work? Alright, grand! I'll see you tonight!" Really? I am curious, they must be such exhibitionists!) is at our fingertips. It's so strange...

Is it because I feel beautiful when someone finds me sexy? Sexy also happens to be a weird word, because you can be sexy in an old tee shirt and yesterdays sweatpants, and you can feel sexy while wearing your huge winter coat, or while your doggy paddling in the pool. The term "sexy" is applied with lacy underwear, or having sex appeal, or sports cars. Sexually beautiful is a whole other rarity that I really wish there were more of it in the world. I know people personally, that I find beautifully sexy. GOD I love that term! I'm smiling like weird-y because when I think of them, I can only simply smile. Some of them I may (or have) thought about the sexual attraction bit, and how that might work out in a relationship, But some people are so beautiful I would (or do) cherish kissing them, and would love being close and simply holding each other, and being there to play with their hair with my fingers, and nibble softly that place where the neck and the shoulder meet, I want to make them feel as sexually beautiful as they make me feel. I would give that. Honestly. Just say the word.

So under what circumstances gives you the right choice? Do you make that move towards lust and and possibly find that beautifully sexy side, or would it be cold and awkward and committing to something you didn't bargain for? Or should I refrain from experimenting and being an exhibitionist and wait for love to happen on its own accord? This is turning out to be a ponderous self contemplating, but if you happen to be reading this and have an opinion, leave an anonymous comment, or contact me in some way. <3

I.... Just wanna fly!

Schoooooooooooolllllllls out for SUMMER!!!!
Schoooooooooooolllllllls out for-EVER!

Well, at least 2 weeks. then I have a week long summer class (Woo! 8am-5:30pm for seven days! Keep me away from guns!) Then 3 weeks off before REAL summer classes begin. But who not excited to have everyone home to hang out with all the time? Not me!

I think this huge arse thunderstorm has got me in a peachy mood, because I have tried to start a few blogs between my last post and now, but they don't seen to turn out right, or lappy decides that it would rather play dead.


In the changes category, I've decided an all girls catholic school in Milwaukee is best (Mount Mary to be honest) which honestly sound about as sketch as an atheist at bible camp because they have good room and board. But I have my hopes up.

Weirdly enough and ironically same city that colin is going to school in, and I KNOW weird. I know, I know. I should know better, but I feel like I'm following him? even though I'm entirely not? I know I still don't have any emotion towards it that way, but He happens to have a lot of emotion anyway. I feel a "lets hang out everyweekendever!" mentality. He's had a rough time adjusting to school out there by himself, so it might do him some good I'm so close, but I'm not so sure about me yet. that still weirds me out, no? Should it not? hmmm...

Art therapy for sure. Horray! bot job wise, I'm pretty much going to have to make up my own and because...

And I just took some nyquil. damn. Lol but I will hope to finish this soon and keep you all updated and what not.

Four seconds! GO!

So today. Meh today. Its not too warm out, but its sunny and pleasent and the birds are chirping and the flowers are smiling and and the trees are waving thanks to a soft breeze over the water... well FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU for teaseing me and mocking me and making be feel ungrateful.

bastard nature.

Yes, I know, harsh, but I'm not in any mood to appese "nature" when my whole state of mind would rather sleep. My brains in a jumble of people and places and finals and summer and work and everything awful thats coming in exactly the next month.

I want to be outside and sleep in the sun. or go listen to interesting bands that don't get enough credit for being awesome. or SWIM DAMMIT! but society says "no go to class, finish your finals, do what soicety wants. 'EFF YOU SOCIETY! 'EFF YOU!

I swear that it's safe here... Nothing to fear at all...

I am tuckered out. I went from hiding to screaming. And some major decisive changes. Such changes include:

Changing my major from psychology to art therapy.
Finding a school that offers that degree.
Looking at preferably Chicago.
Leaving my Family
Leaving Dante.


ugh. I'm not getting into it. I may act cool, but I'm a great mess.

But I ain't gonna die for you, you know I ain't no Juliet.

Don't even talk about depressed. I'm in full fledged hiding right now. Like, the 'I hate the world, and the world hates me obviously, so why try living in the world?' hiding. And all the reasons are my own damn fault for I am a coward or selfish or irresponsible or not even trying.

My bank account is almost -200 again, (it took me what.. 2 months? not even?)I have $50 worth or tickets to still pay for, I have no savings, and at 19 I'm depending on my parents and working only one day a week. Things I can do to fix this, but can't/won't do: Go see the bank people and cry because obviously I don't understand how to budget my money, and see if they would take away some of my overdrafts and fee's. LEARN HOW TO SAVE 'EFFIN MONEY. I like spending it on other people too much. =( Move out and go to that privet school I can't afford (or some faraway country, like Iceland, or live in a monastery) and experience what its like to really not have money to spend. Get several more jobs to pay for my generous lifestyle. GROW THE FUCK UP mostly.

That seems to be the theme. Growing up sucks. Reality sucks. Society sucks. And its not just because I'm an angst-y young adult, I have such legitimate reasons for all the suck in the world, if you asked me I could convince societal homicide. True, but I'd rather not be responsible for a mass death thank you.

My pants smell like cigarettes. Not because I smoke, because I have once or twice, but I know in my head my dependent personality would get me addicted and my budget (har har, what budget?) wouldn't afford it. But they smell because all my recent company smokes. I used to be allergic when my aunt was always smoking, but now I'm ok with it, apart from fear for my friends health. I think its mostly because Dante's new boyfriend (who happens to be really fun and sweet btdubbs) smokes, and not that i've recently dated smokers, (or anyone for that matter... boo) I just miss that person there. I see Dante and Dominic together and it makes me miss that person that can just hold you, and all the paranoia and worry seems smaller. ugh. I know it's getting old. And your eyes are fat.

This post is a copulation of a few hours, just because in seclusion I get distracted so easily. In all seriousness at this very moment I have an ampersand drawn on my arm and I'm seriously thinking about getting it as a tattoo. For the record tattoos freak me out, I don't like needles, I don't like the permanence of them I don't like that after time it changes, and you change and its all a bit scary. But I'l liking the idea of getting an ampersand. if you're curious and you have no idea what an ampersand is, its the 'and' symbol. &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&. Reasons being that I have a habit of being in solitude, and wanting to run away, or trying to get rid of parts or people and live simply. Like in the bad way simply. "And" meaning inclusion, "and" meaning whole, meaning with and complete, "and" meaning you need other people, no matter how much you think there's only you or there's only one. NO! there's many and everyone and everything is connected with "and". I have no idea if that makes sense to anyone but me. But like I said, its scary, but its a valid consideration.

So- I went from upset, to angry, to sad, to lonely, to calm and idealistic. Thank you Amanda Palmer/Dresden Dolls/ Ani Defranco. You make solitude so much softer.

I'm fat. How are you?

Hmmm. Last night a good friend called me easy. Easy. Like sexually easy, or at least, that I portrayed that in how I dress. Then he went on and said that I was intelligent otherwise, but he doesn't understand why I do that. Alas, we were both in a drunken stupor, so the subject changed quickly and didn't mean much then. But now that I'm trying to nap and nurse a slight hangover, I can't help but think on it. It's sometimes gotten me in trouble (like last night, which brought up the conversation in the first place where I literally had to walk away and hide from a creeper guy, he apologized in the morning, but it still wasn't cool.) and I know its not a good thing, and thats the wrong way of going about it, and some people would rather I stay at home then wear clothes that are revealing. I AM AWARE OF WHAT I'M DOING! I'm not ridiculous, I'm not trying to be slutty, I just... eh. Im not comfortable unless I feel "sexy" in some way because being overweight I feel such a need to physically shove in your face my one good physical aspect, even if it really sucks. I'M SORRY! It makes me feel just as crappy. =/

If you got it, why not flaunt it? I'm proud of my breasts. they make up for my lack of ass, or a thin figure, or anything else attractive to the opposite sex (or the same sex, I'm indifferent at this point, not that I'm about to turn into a cheeky lesbian, nor has the opportunity arrived.) Maybe if I make the focus closer to my face, they won't see so much that my thighs are thunder-y and my tummy has rolls and I have freckles all over and everything ever awful about me. I'm just glad I'm damn proportional. Mostly.

A year and a month on the third. Thats how long I've been single for. And its not necessarily desperation (because I've always dressed with cleavage in mind, ask anyone) but I miss the body heat of snuggling. the calm breathing of being close to someone and the good feeling fireworks that make you glow and your stomach flip when you think of that significant being. And that shouldn't make you sad, but it bums be out when the only attention I get is from creeps that think I'm "easy". And I know, it's my fault. I put myself in every situation, and sometimes even think the creeps have good intentions, but I'm always let down and get slammed into it anyway. I hope there's more then one way to love someone. I hope I haven't forgotten other ways to feel loved or noticed without being drastic or dangerous.

I think I just need someone that's different. Someone that says "Hey, it's alright, you don't have to do/be anything; you make me happy just the way you are."

There is no way I'm kissing a frog and eating a bug in the same day.

Mmm exhaustion. But I have to much to do this week to be tired! HUZZAH!

I need to catch up in my abnormal psych class. Im currently wayyyyyyyyyy in the hole there and if I didn't make that deal with my instructor so I can turn things in late, I've already lost credit. You know when you start to get in the whole, but feel like you can't ever get out, (and you sort of half try, but it never works) so you don't really try anymore? yep. I'm an idiot. before I was entirely stressed because many of my good friends were stressed. Jacque's grandma died (whom she lived with, and was very close to, and she's never experienced death before) and obviously that was traumatic, but then she was making these huge decisions- Like quitting school, and having sex and moving away. T.T Ok, I know, maybe no so traumatic for the average 18-19-20 somethings, but IN ABNORMAL PSYCH CLASS the second highest stressor on this crazy list is when you're best friend is going through depression, or trauma. GAH- I'm just worried- and I trust her I think most of all my friends. She taking some therapy now, and she's getting better, and I just love her a lot. <3>

So to do list for spring break week (Yes, I am on spring break this week):

Ab. psych Homework - I need to pass! its a required credit!

Taxes - ruh roh... need to get on that...

Painting Jenn's table - her birthdays in april, and it was a present from last year I never finished. We don't talk very much anymore, but I miss her. =/

Other homework - Including a paper and speech for public speaking, life drawing (hands, feet, and faces), and a powerpoint on death for developmental psych.

OY VIE! That means getting off lappy and actually getting stuff done... meh.

What? You're Not Real?

I miss blogging. reading back on things really puts some things in perspective for me. it's like cheap therapy that doesn't help until you look back and realize it was worth... well, a lot more then you paid for it.

I think Honestly, I can't promise more blogs sooner, but i will try to keep an update on this thing. Imagine if people are read this! GOODNESS! but don't make me feel guilty, unnamed no face mystery thing that probably is my brain making up followers because I'm PA-THET-IC. ha.

But I love you?