Raw.

The before is the stress, the pressure, the wanting for it to be OK again, and the confusion of how you got there in the first place. And you think how the hell did it get so awful so fast? What did I do to cause it? Prevent it? Change it? And everything begins to look like concrete or a movie... Unreal but you know your there, and you see your there, and your watching you there, but you don't feel there. Not mentally at least. And you begin to feel like a puppety dead thing that just walks about and tries to rebel to feel something. Kind of like the whole worlds on top of you, and you cant lift it no matter how hard you try. And you question more. More questions then you could begin to answer. Then the maybes pop up. Maybe this, maybe that, maybe something can make me feel right or at least feel. And then your out of the before.

It' the before that worries me.

The little voice that tells you your an idiot and its not that bad. The one that makes you think of the little kids in Africa and the guilt. See, the before isn't just the before. The before doesn't end at the beginning, its always there. Kind of crawling under your skin or on the side of your brain. The feelings, or lack of feelings come with it. And then its not always there. You can still laugh. Have fun. Its when your alone to think about it, when it triggers memories like concrete and the dead feeling when you hold hands. Its always there creeping and shaking you from the inside out. Some say they did it, it's done, and bury it. Some wring it in their fingers till its raw and bleeding. Some just go with it and make up what they believe and just breathe awhile. People deal with the before in different ways and that also worries me. Its not just you, I'm worried about me.